Good afternoon dear blog readers!!!!! :)
I never knew until recently what it really means to vacillate between fear and hope. But when the heart comes to this place, it is unmistakeable. I sit, stand, lie, and prostrate before Allah, sometimes with the greates hope that I can be saved. I have hope that Allah will indeed help me down the path of Ihsan...toward purification of my heart, and that by His grace alone, I might be successful.
And then I turn around, and the next thing I know I feel my heart quaking with fear that I may fail, or that I have failed. That I have not proven deserving of the blessings I have received, that I have not deserved truly to have sat in the Prophet's (saws) Rawda, or to have made tawaaf, and have sat before the Kaaba all night. That I have not proven myself worthy of the greatest of the Shayuukh to be my teacher, as through all of it I still find myself at times ungrateful, and unchanged in ways which are unacceptable to me.
So I do know how one can love the worship of Allah, how one can fast, and pray, and dhikr, and do extra on top of all that is required, and find in that the greatest of hopes that anyone can find in this life. In it are the jewels of the earth, more valuable that any physical thing. And yet, with each step comes a responsibility to be a better Servant of Allah, a responsibility that only increases, and in this lies the fear. And so now I move between the two throughout my day, never knowing if what I have done is enough, always praying that Allah will take me higher and closer, and that He will do the same for all the believers. For that is the only true hope, to surrender into that ocean of Love of Allah, and pray that He will take all of us who are there through the waters with speed toward the best of destinations.
