A quick post today insha'Allah, as I am preparing for our journey to Senegal (actually it is a relocation...for one year...), and time is getting a bit tight...
My mother is quite ill, and is undergoing various treatments, and is in turn dealing with all the related side effects on top of the disease itself. Of course this makes me a bit wary of being out of the country for such a long time, but she (being the truly noble woman who she is) has encouraged me to travel anyway. She recognizes the benefit for our family, and will also most likely be fine while we are gone even if she is does not have optimal health.
Anyway, this has me contemplating what it means to us when we lose the people we love, when they pass from this world into the next. I thought about my Grandmother, and how much I would love to speak to her from time to time. She was a wonderful human being, noble, generous, humble, and wise. But Allah's decree was that I would only have her in my life for a fixed amount of time, and I've learned it is never wise to argue with the decree of Allah.
And then I realized that we too often feel sorry for ourselves when we lose our loved ones. This is of course a normal and human response, but the higher response is one of gratitude. If we have benefited from having known and loved these people, we should be eternally grateful to Allah for having put them in our lives for a time. When I change my focus in this way, I feel as if I am moving in harmony with Allah's plan, and am less detached from what my nafs (self) desires.
I also came to see that while my Grandmother has passed from this world, she is in a sense still here. The benefit she gave to all of us who knew her lives on, and insha'Allah we carry that to others in our lives. She lives on through us, as we might not be who we are if we did not know her.
And so it is with all our loved ones. Unfortunately sometimes we have people who leave a negative impact, but deep spiritual work is the key to removing those effects, and enhancing the positive.
So I do not know what will happen to the people I know and love while I am gone. I do not know even where the door lies for myself, but I will surely pass through it one day. But I feel a bit more at peace with the uncertainty, for the blessings of Allah have been great in my life.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Home
An old college friend of my husband's happened to be in town the other day, and he brought him by the house. Since my husband went to a very prestigious school back in the day, many of his friends are now what we would call 'highly paid professionals' in their respective fields. Since I am not yet old enough to know better than to care, I still feel self conscious about my living conditions, as our house is a little older than the average, and kind of messy with all the kids. Not that I was a neat freak before we had the kids, but I like to think things were a little better :).
And so I thought a bit about my life. The man who visited is someone I only met briefly when we were first married, but I liked him very much then, and even more now, as he is a person who is doing something good with his life for the Sake of Allah. I'm sure he didn't mind our humble abode, as he is not the type to be haughty.
That night my house was full of friends and their children. I realized that these people came here because they love to be with me, in this place, so we might enjoy one another's company. I never have to worry about anyone coming here because I'm rich, or have all the right clothes, makeup, and fancy this and that. And in that I found that I had received something in this life which no money can buy...friendship for the Sake of Allah. For what is it that binds us together? It is our dhikr, our prayer, our faith, and that we love one another because being together often increases our remembrance of Allah.
I actually never knew what it really meant to love someone for the Sake of Allah until the last year or so. I used to ask people what that meant, but I never got a clear answer. But I know now, and I can say with certainty, that is was my work with my Shaykh, through the Mercy of Allah, that this was possible.
So while I know I can take better care of my home, be more organized and efficient, and work harder, I feel that I have been infinitely blessed. Money can buy a lot, and certainly I would like to have more of it so I might spend it in the Way of Allah. But some things are found in the corner of the room, in prayer and devotion to Allah. Or on a rooftop in Africa, or under the trees, or in any humble place. These are the gifts He sends for us, our reward for our efforts towards Him. We can have helpers along the way, but no one but Allah can provide such rewards.
And so I thought a bit about my life. The man who visited is someone I only met briefly when we were first married, but I liked him very much then, and even more now, as he is a person who is doing something good with his life for the Sake of Allah. I'm sure he didn't mind our humble abode, as he is not the type to be haughty.
That night my house was full of friends and their children. I realized that these people came here because they love to be with me, in this place, so we might enjoy one another's company. I never have to worry about anyone coming here because I'm rich, or have all the right clothes, makeup, and fancy this and that. And in that I found that I had received something in this life which no money can buy...friendship for the Sake of Allah. For what is it that binds us together? It is our dhikr, our prayer, our faith, and that we love one another because being together often increases our remembrance of Allah.
I actually never knew what it really meant to love someone for the Sake of Allah until the last year or so. I used to ask people what that meant, but I never got a clear answer. But I know now, and I can say with certainty, that is was my work with my Shaykh, through the Mercy of Allah, that this was possible.
So while I know I can take better care of my home, be more organized and efficient, and work harder, I feel that I have been infinitely blessed. Money can buy a lot, and certainly I would like to have more of it so I might spend it in the Way of Allah. But some things are found in the corner of the room, in prayer and devotion to Allah. Or on a rooftop in Africa, or under the trees, or in any humble place. These are the gifts He sends for us, our reward for our efforts towards Him. We can have helpers along the way, but no one but Allah can provide such rewards.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Who am I?
As Salaaumu'alaykum all!!
We remain in America for the time being, at least for the next few weeks insha'Allah. My son has had the pins removed from his elbow, and now we begin the slow process of getting that joint moving again, as it is quite stiff at this point.
I was speaking to a friend today, and she was lamenting the fact that she is having difficulty writing her thoughts. She wants to write about often feeling like her words relating to Truth, do not always accurately reflect her state. At least this is how I remember the conversation.
I've been thinking about this tonight, and have to stop myself from examining how I think this reflects on others, and see how it reflects on the only individual I can do anything about. I can speak of ideals, good ethics, how we should practice patience, have faith, believe, love, and all the rest. But when I sit at night I know I am not the person I should be. I know that as high as my thoughts may be, I have not attained my potential, or even close. But I am striving, and hope to strive with more effort as I continue along.
In relation to others, I think of how people sometimes are neutral, sometimes they good, and sometimes how they hurt me. When the latter comes along, it is hard not to take it personally. I realized a couple of years ago, that it is only that people are not aware of the effect their words have on the states of others. If we were to know truly what is happening in the minds and hearts of others, we would often have much more compassion.
When I come forward, black circles under my eyes at the register in the drugstore, and am not particularly friendly, the cashier doesn't know that I've just spent days listening to my son in pain. Sleepless nights, and that this is why we need yet another bottle of hydrocodone. Instead I might just seem like a grumpy and annoyed individual. And I wish they could know. So I would not have to explain what I just don't have the energy to speak of anymore.
But each time I experience this, I keep it in a log somewhere in my mind and heart, so that one day I will remember it. I will remember when I stand on the other side of the register. I pray it will be a reminder to me that while I may never understand or know the trials of others, we each have them. Usually, and almost always, they will have nothing to do with me specifically, but I must always maintain compassion for those who come before me. I know that I may or may not receive such compassion, but at least I can always try to give it in a world which is so often cruel and heartless. And maybe I can do a better job of putting a good face on difficult times when they come to me.
So there are my random thoughts at 3am, as I sit wishing I could be better in more ways than I can count, and believing that only by the Mercy of Allah will this transformation happen.
We remain in America for the time being, at least for the next few weeks insha'Allah. My son has had the pins removed from his elbow, and now we begin the slow process of getting that joint moving again, as it is quite stiff at this point.
I was speaking to a friend today, and she was lamenting the fact that she is having difficulty writing her thoughts. She wants to write about often feeling like her words relating to Truth, do not always accurately reflect her state. At least this is how I remember the conversation.
I've been thinking about this tonight, and have to stop myself from examining how I think this reflects on others, and see how it reflects on the only individual I can do anything about. I can speak of ideals, good ethics, how we should practice patience, have faith, believe, love, and all the rest. But when I sit at night I know I am not the person I should be. I know that as high as my thoughts may be, I have not attained my potential, or even close. But I am striving, and hope to strive with more effort as I continue along.
In relation to others, I think of how people sometimes are neutral, sometimes they good, and sometimes how they hurt me. When the latter comes along, it is hard not to take it personally. I realized a couple of years ago, that it is only that people are not aware of the effect their words have on the states of others. If we were to know truly what is happening in the minds and hearts of others, we would often have much more compassion.
When I come forward, black circles under my eyes at the register in the drugstore, and am not particularly friendly, the cashier doesn't know that I've just spent days listening to my son in pain. Sleepless nights, and that this is why we need yet another bottle of hydrocodone. Instead I might just seem like a grumpy and annoyed individual. And I wish they could know. So I would not have to explain what I just don't have the energy to speak of anymore.
But each time I experience this, I keep it in a log somewhere in my mind and heart, so that one day I will remember it. I will remember when I stand on the other side of the register. I pray it will be a reminder to me that while I may never understand or know the trials of others, we each have them. Usually, and almost always, they will have nothing to do with me specifically, but I must always maintain compassion for those who come before me. I know that I may or may not receive such compassion, but at least I can always try to give it in a world which is so often cruel and heartless. And maybe I can do a better job of putting a good face on difficult times when they come to me.
So there are my random thoughts at 3am, as I sit wishing I could be better in more ways than I can count, and believing that only by the Mercy of Allah will this transformation happen.
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