As Salaamu'alaykum,
First, I extend my apologies for not updating my blog for quite some time. I have a laundry list of excuses and tales, but I will spare you for now and move on to the more important topic.
I have endured a few trials recently, and sometimes I feel as if my heart is breaking. I know that many times these types of conditions are actually openings, if only we are patient.
I was speaking about this to my husband the other night, and I said that while I have always known that Allah sees us, I know more fully believe that to be true. He did not think what I said had been very signifiant, since that is a given for any Muslim. So I needed to dig a little deeper to describe my feelings, and I realized that it is not that I believe more than I used to on an intellectual level, but that now, sometimes, I feel seen by Allah.
And that is the best description I can give. To have this is enough to give me hope that I am getting somewhere on this Path. Alhumdulillah.
MaSalaam
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Gratitude
A quick post today insha'Allah, as I am preparing for our journey to Senegal (actually it is a relocation...for one year...), and time is getting a bit tight...
My mother is quite ill, and is undergoing various treatments, and is in turn dealing with all the related side effects on top of the disease itself. Of course this makes me a bit wary of being out of the country for such a long time, but she (being the truly noble woman who she is) has encouraged me to travel anyway. She recognizes the benefit for our family, and will also most likely be fine while we are gone even if she is does not have optimal health.
Anyway, this has me contemplating what it means to us when we lose the people we love, when they pass from this world into the next. I thought about my Grandmother, and how much I would love to speak to her from time to time. She was a wonderful human being, noble, generous, humble, and wise. But Allah's decree was that I would only have her in my life for a fixed amount of time, and I've learned it is never wise to argue with the decree of Allah.
And then I realized that we too often feel sorry for ourselves when we lose our loved ones. This is of course a normal and human response, but the higher response is one of gratitude. If we have benefited from having known and loved these people, we should be eternally grateful to Allah for having put them in our lives for a time. When I change my focus in this way, I feel as if I am moving in harmony with Allah's plan, and am less detached from what my nafs (self) desires.
I also came to see that while my Grandmother has passed from this world, she is in a sense still here. The benefit she gave to all of us who knew her lives on, and insha'Allah we carry that to others in our lives. She lives on through us, as we might not be who we are if we did not know her.
And so it is with all our loved ones. Unfortunately sometimes we have people who leave a negative impact, but deep spiritual work is the key to removing those effects, and enhancing the positive.
So I do not know what will happen to the people I know and love while I am gone. I do not know even where the door lies for myself, but I will surely pass through it one day. But I feel a bit more at peace with the uncertainty, for the blessings of Allah have been great in my life.
My mother is quite ill, and is undergoing various treatments, and is in turn dealing with all the related side effects on top of the disease itself. Of course this makes me a bit wary of being out of the country for such a long time, but she (being the truly noble woman who she is) has encouraged me to travel anyway. She recognizes the benefit for our family, and will also most likely be fine while we are gone even if she is does not have optimal health.
Anyway, this has me contemplating what it means to us when we lose the people we love, when they pass from this world into the next. I thought about my Grandmother, and how much I would love to speak to her from time to time. She was a wonderful human being, noble, generous, humble, and wise. But Allah's decree was that I would only have her in my life for a fixed amount of time, and I've learned it is never wise to argue with the decree of Allah.
And then I realized that we too often feel sorry for ourselves when we lose our loved ones. This is of course a normal and human response, but the higher response is one of gratitude. If we have benefited from having known and loved these people, we should be eternally grateful to Allah for having put them in our lives for a time. When I change my focus in this way, I feel as if I am moving in harmony with Allah's plan, and am less detached from what my nafs (self) desires.
I also came to see that while my Grandmother has passed from this world, she is in a sense still here. The benefit she gave to all of us who knew her lives on, and insha'Allah we carry that to others in our lives. She lives on through us, as we might not be who we are if we did not know her.
And so it is with all our loved ones. Unfortunately sometimes we have people who leave a negative impact, but deep spiritual work is the key to removing those effects, and enhancing the positive.
So I do not know what will happen to the people I know and love while I am gone. I do not know even where the door lies for myself, but I will surely pass through it one day. But I feel a bit more at peace with the uncertainty, for the blessings of Allah have been great in my life.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Home
An old college friend of my husband's happened to be in town the other day, and he brought him by the house. Since my husband went to a very prestigious school back in the day, many of his friends are now what we would call 'highly paid professionals' in their respective fields. Since I am not yet old enough to know better than to care, I still feel self conscious about my living conditions, as our house is a little older than the average, and kind of messy with all the kids. Not that I was a neat freak before we had the kids, but I like to think things were a little better :).
And so I thought a bit about my life. The man who visited is someone I only met briefly when we were first married, but I liked him very much then, and even more now, as he is a person who is doing something good with his life for the Sake of Allah. I'm sure he didn't mind our humble abode, as he is not the type to be haughty.
That night my house was full of friends and their children. I realized that these people came here because they love to be with me, in this place, so we might enjoy one another's company. I never have to worry about anyone coming here because I'm rich, or have all the right clothes, makeup, and fancy this and that. And in that I found that I had received something in this life which no money can buy...friendship for the Sake of Allah. For what is it that binds us together? It is our dhikr, our prayer, our faith, and that we love one another because being together often increases our remembrance of Allah.
I actually never knew what it really meant to love someone for the Sake of Allah until the last year or so. I used to ask people what that meant, but I never got a clear answer. But I know now, and I can say with certainty, that is was my work with my Shaykh, through the Mercy of Allah, that this was possible.
So while I know I can take better care of my home, be more organized and efficient, and work harder, I feel that I have been infinitely blessed. Money can buy a lot, and certainly I would like to have more of it so I might spend it in the Way of Allah. But some things are found in the corner of the room, in prayer and devotion to Allah. Or on a rooftop in Africa, or under the trees, or in any humble place. These are the gifts He sends for us, our reward for our efforts towards Him. We can have helpers along the way, but no one but Allah can provide such rewards.
And so I thought a bit about my life. The man who visited is someone I only met briefly when we were first married, but I liked him very much then, and even more now, as he is a person who is doing something good with his life for the Sake of Allah. I'm sure he didn't mind our humble abode, as he is not the type to be haughty.
That night my house was full of friends and their children. I realized that these people came here because they love to be with me, in this place, so we might enjoy one another's company. I never have to worry about anyone coming here because I'm rich, or have all the right clothes, makeup, and fancy this and that. And in that I found that I had received something in this life which no money can buy...friendship for the Sake of Allah. For what is it that binds us together? It is our dhikr, our prayer, our faith, and that we love one another because being together often increases our remembrance of Allah.
I actually never knew what it really meant to love someone for the Sake of Allah until the last year or so. I used to ask people what that meant, but I never got a clear answer. But I know now, and I can say with certainty, that is was my work with my Shaykh, through the Mercy of Allah, that this was possible.
So while I know I can take better care of my home, be more organized and efficient, and work harder, I feel that I have been infinitely blessed. Money can buy a lot, and certainly I would like to have more of it so I might spend it in the Way of Allah. But some things are found in the corner of the room, in prayer and devotion to Allah. Or on a rooftop in Africa, or under the trees, or in any humble place. These are the gifts He sends for us, our reward for our efforts towards Him. We can have helpers along the way, but no one but Allah can provide such rewards.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Who am I?
As Salaaumu'alaykum all!!
We remain in America for the time being, at least for the next few weeks insha'Allah. My son has had the pins removed from his elbow, and now we begin the slow process of getting that joint moving again, as it is quite stiff at this point.
I was speaking to a friend today, and she was lamenting the fact that she is having difficulty writing her thoughts. She wants to write about often feeling like her words relating to Truth, do not always accurately reflect her state. At least this is how I remember the conversation.
I've been thinking about this tonight, and have to stop myself from examining how I think this reflects on others, and see how it reflects on the only individual I can do anything about. I can speak of ideals, good ethics, how we should practice patience, have faith, believe, love, and all the rest. But when I sit at night I know I am not the person I should be. I know that as high as my thoughts may be, I have not attained my potential, or even close. But I am striving, and hope to strive with more effort as I continue along.
In relation to others, I think of how people sometimes are neutral, sometimes they good, and sometimes how they hurt me. When the latter comes along, it is hard not to take it personally. I realized a couple of years ago, that it is only that people are not aware of the effect their words have on the states of others. If we were to know truly what is happening in the minds and hearts of others, we would often have much more compassion.
When I come forward, black circles under my eyes at the register in the drugstore, and am not particularly friendly, the cashier doesn't know that I've just spent days listening to my son in pain. Sleepless nights, and that this is why we need yet another bottle of hydrocodone. Instead I might just seem like a grumpy and annoyed individual. And I wish they could know. So I would not have to explain what I just don't have the energy to speak of anymore.
But each time I experience this, I keep it in a log somewhere in my mind and heart, so that one day I will remember it. I will remember when I stand on the other side of the register. I pray it will be a reminder to me that while I may never understand or know the trials of others, we each have them. Usually, and almost always, they will have nothing to do with me specifically, but I must always maintain compassion for those who come before me. I know that I may or may not receive such compassion, but at least I can always try to give it in a world which is so often cruel and heartless. And maybe I can do a better job of putting a good face on difficult times when they come to me.
So there are my random thoughts at 3am, as I sit wishing I could be better in more ways than I can count, and believing that only by the Mercy of Allah will this transformation happen.
We remain in America for the time being, at least for the next few weeks insha'Allah. My son has had the pins removed from his elbow, and now we begin the slow process of getting that joint moving again, as it is quite stiff at this point.
I was speaking to a friend today, and she was lamenting the fact that she is having difficulty writing her thoughts. She wants to write about often feeling like her words relating to Truth, do not always accurately reflect her state. At least this is how I remember the conversation.
I've been thinking about this tonight, and have to stop myself from examining how I think this reflects on others, and see how it reflects on the only individual I can do anything about. I can speak of ideals, good ethics, how we should practice patience, have faith, believe, love, and all the rest. But when I sit at night I know I am not the person I should be. I know that as high as my thoughts may be, I have not attained my potential, or even close. But I am striving, and hope to strive with more effort as I continue along.
In relation to others, I think of how people sometimes are neutral, sometimes they good, and sometimes how they hurt me. When the latter comes along, it is hard not to take it personally. I realized a couple of years ago, that it is only that people are not aware of the effect their words have on the states of others. If we were to know truly what is happening in the minds and hearts of others, we would often have much more compassion.
When I come forward, black circles under my eyes at the register in the drugstore, and am not particularly friendly, the cashier doesn't know that I've just spent days listening to my son in pain. Sleepless nights, and that this is why we need yet another bottle of hydrocodone. Instead I might just seem like a grumpy and annoyed individual. And I wish they could know. So I would not have to explain what I just don't have the energy to speak of anymore.
But each time I experience this, I keep it in a log somewhere in my mind and heart, so that one day I will remember it. I will remember when I stand on the other side of the register. I pray it will be a reminder to me that while I may never understand or know the trials of others, we each have them. Usually, and almost always, they will have nothing to do with me specifically, but I must always maintain compassion for those who come before me. I know that I may or may not receive such compassion, but at least I can always try to give it in a world which is so often cruel and heartless. And maybe I can do a better job of putting a good face on difficult times when they come to me.
So there are my random thoughts at 3am, as I sit wishing I could be better in more ways than I can count, and believing that only by the Mercy of Allah will this transformation happen.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Allah's Plan
As salaamu'alaykum everyone!!!
It was our intention to be in Senegal at this time, but Allah clearly had a different plan. We were due to leave on Tuesday the 25th of July, but on the previous Friday my son fell on the playground and broke his arm. The technical description of the break is a supracondylar fracture of the humerus, which basically means that he completely broke the bone of his upper arm, just above the elbow. He is 10 years old, and it turns out this is an unusual fracture for a child his age. It is typically found in younger children.
It became clear pretty quickly that we were going to need to change our tickets, as he had to have surgery that night to place two pins to hold the bone. I was feeling a lot of stress with the uncertainty of how things would come to pass, and with the additional financial burden of medical expenses, fees to change our tickets (although we have still not heard the final word from South African Airlines on what their charges will be...we are hoping for the best of course), not to mention the feelings a parent has when their child is injured, not to mention in surgery. Patience has never been one of my strong points, but I can imagine myself being in worse spiritual condition under the circumstances than I was. I felt almost in a daze...sort of shellshocked in a way...especially as the days of witnessing his pain and incapacitation wore on. But I do not lament this turn of events, for in them is a test for us, a purification, and a sign from Allah that we must delay our departure. I may never know the deepest of reasons for that, but I trust that this plan is the best one.
It has been very difficult as a mother to see my child in pain, and to have done everything I can for him, and not be able to alleviate his discomfort any further. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a child with a chronic or terminal condition, for every instinct in us pushes us to want to help our children in any way we can. It has also been a trial to try and teach him that screaming and yelling, and being short tempered with those around him is unacceptable, even under the worst of circumstances. Sometimes Allah places suffering on us, but it is still necessary for us to handle that in the best way we can, and to be especially gracious to those who are trying to help us. He is doing much better today, alhumdulillah, but I believe I will have to reinforce that understanding with him as he undergoes physical therapy in order to regain movement in his elbow once the pins are removed.
Ahh...and I forgot to mention that he ended up needing a second surgery last Wednesday, as the first set of pins had slipped. We thought this surgery would not be as difficult as the first, but it turned out that it was in fact much more painful, with three pins in place now across the bone. Alhumdulillah it looks good now, and it appears he will not need any further revisions. But is pain has been very intense, and a great trial for all of us involved. I feel very grateful today that he is doing so much better.
And so now we are here...caring for the children...preparing again to travel for the sake of Allah...for the purpose of gaining knowledge and understading of His book. I feel somewhat in limbo, a traveler in my own home, as much of my life is packed (or is about to be packed) in preparation for our journey. I do not understand how this plan of Allah's will work, but I know that no matter where I am, I will find Him. And I know that if my intention is sincere, He will bring me all that I need to walk the path to Him, sometimes in the most unexpected of ways.
There are many blessings to be found in these additional weeks we have here in America, blessings for us, our friends, and our families. I am thankful for these, and pray that when our time does come to depart, insha'Allah, that we will be in the best of states to enter into a new world of discovery.
It was our intention to be in Senegal at this time, but Allah clearly had a different plan. We were due to leave on Tuesday the 25th of July, but on the previous Friday my son fell on the playground and broke his arm. The technical description of the break is a supracondylar fracture of the humerus, which basically means that he completely broke the bone of his upper arm, just above the elbow. He is 10 years old, and it turns out this is an unusual fracture for a child his age. It is typically found in younger children.
It became clear pretty quickly that we were going to need to change our tickets, as he had to have surgery that night to place two pins to hold the bone. I was feeling a lot of stress with the uncertainty of how things would come to pass, and with the additional financial burden of medical expenses, fees to change our tickets (although we have still not heard the final word from South African Airlines on what their charges will be...we are hoping for the best of course), not to mention the feelings a parent has when their child is injured, not to mention in surgery. Patience has never been one of my strong points, but I can imagine myself being in worse spiritual condition under the circumstances than I was. I felt almost in a daze...sort of shellshocked in a way...especially as the days of witnessing his pain and incapacitation wore on. But I do not lament this turn of events, for in them is a test for us, a purification, and a sign from Allah that we must delay our departure. I may never know the deepest of reasons for that, but I trust that this plan is the best one.
It has been very difficult as a mother to see my child in pain, and to have done everything I can for him, and not be able to alleviate his discomfort any further. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a child with a chronic or terminal condition, for every instinct in us pushes us to want to help our children in any way we can. It has also been a trial to try and teach him that screaming and yelling, and being short tempered with those around him is unacceptable, even under the worst of circumstances. Sometimes Allah places suffering on us, but it is still necessary for us to handle that in the best way we can, and to be especially gracious to those who are trying to help us. He is doing much better today, alhumdulillah, but I believe I will have to reinforce that understanding with him as he undergoes physical therapy in order to regain movement in his elbow once the pins are removed.
Ahh...and I forgot to mention that he ended up needing a second surgery last Wednesday, as the first set of pins had slipped. We thought this surgery would not be as difficult as the first, but it turned out that it was in fact much more painful, with three pins in place now across the bone. Alhumdulillah it looks good now, and it appears he will not need any further revisions. But is pain has been very intense, and a great trial for all of us involved. I feel very grateful today that he is doing so much better.
And so now we are here...caring for the children...preparing again to travel for the sake of Allah...for the purpose of gaining knowledge and understading of His book. I feel somewhat in limbo, a traveler in my own home, as much of my life is packed (or is about to be packed) in preparation for our journey. I do not understand how this plan of Allah's will work, but I know that no matter where I am, I will find Him. And I know that if my intention is sincere, He will bring me all that I need to walk the path to Him, sometimes in the most unexpected of ways.
There are many blessings to be found in these additional weeks we have here in America, blessings for us, our friends, and our families. I am thankful for these, and pray that when our time does come to depart, insha'Allah, that we will be in the best of states to enter into a new world of discovery.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Citizens of the World
I sat late last night, pondering my situation as I prepared for year long trip to Senegal beginning about one month from now insha'Allah. I am very excited about the move, especially as it gets closer, and realized that I have changed so radically as a person from who I was before I became Muslim, that at times I do not recognize myself. I thank Allah for that, and then my husband, for he has been the person in my life who has made these things possible, having given his money and his time and his love so his family might have the best of opportunities.
I believe other Americans might think it strange that I love Senegal so much that I am willing to bring 5 young children there for that length of time, and then I came to understand what it means to be a citizen of the world. I have been across this country and back, spent two months in Morocco visiting various cities, 6 weeks in Senegal, and 3 weeks in Saudi Arabia. Each place had its own unique set of characteristics, scents (some good, some bad), languages, colors, weather and so on. Each brought a unique blessing to my life, each visit brought me closer to Allah in a special way.
I know I have not traveled all of the world, that there are millions of places left to visit, and I may never get to them all. But having been where I have been has made me understand and love the people of this world in a way I never have before. I am a citizen of the United States. Born and raised in middle class New England, a Yankee and a Democrat :). But I know and love a world outside of this. I believe I can have a wonderful life no matter where I live...even if there isn't a Walmart in the country. I am blessed to be able to bring some of the comforts of home with me, but I know that even if I could not, I would find what I need waiting for me wherever I go, for Allah is everywhere.
And so I feel that now I am more a citizen of the world, than I am of just my nation. I do not look at what is best for society in terms of what is best for America, but in terms of what is best for all people, for I love them like they are my family. I pray one day I will be a better helper to the people, that I can make a difference in the lives of those who are suffering. I pray Allah will give me that ability, to truly be an example, a helper, a reflection of the light of our Prophet (saws), and not to depart this earth leaving nothing but a footprint of waste and destruction. I also pray that this experience will make my children citizens of the world one day, that they will pray for and achieve the best one can in this life, and that they will also love and appreciate the people and places on this planet as much as I have come to and more.
I believe other Americans might think it strange that I love Senegal so much that I am willing to bring 5 young children there for that length of time, and then I came to understand what it means to be a citizen of the world. I have been across this country and back, spent two months in Morocco visiting various cities, 6 weeks in Senegal, and 3 weeks in Saudi Arabia. Each place had its own unique set of characteristics, scents (some good, some bad), languages, colors, weather and so on. Each brought a unique blessing to my life, each visit brought me closer to Allah in a special way.
I know I have not traveled all of the world, that there are millions of places left to visit, and I may never get to them all. But having been where I have been has made me understand and love the people of this world in a way I never have before. I am a citizen of the United States. Born and raised in middle class New England, a Yankee and a Democrat :). But I know and love a world outside of this. I believe I can have a wonderful life no matter where I live...even if there isn't a Walmart in the country. I am blessed to be able to bring some of the comforts of home with me, but I know that even if I could not, I would find what I need waiting for me wherever I go, for Allah is everywhere.
And so I feel that now I am more a citizen of the world, than I am of just my nation. I do not look at what is best for society in terms of what is best for America, but in terms of what is best for all people, for I love them like they are my family. I pray one day I will be a better helper to the people, that I can make a difference in the lives of those who are suffering. I pray Allah will give me that ability, to truly be an example, a helper, a reflection of the light of our Prophet (saws), and not to depart this earth leaving nothing but a footprint of waste and destruction. I also pray that this experience will make my children citizens of the world one day, that they will pray for and achieve the best one can in this life, and that they will also love and appreciate the people and places on this planet as much as I have come to and more.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Required Update :)
My fellow blogger friend, and sister in tariqa, has informed me that it is improper blog etiquette :) to not update my blog at least once a month...and so this is my situation these days in brief:
Insha'Allah we are heading to Senegal in about a month, where I intend to stay with my five children for one year. My husband will return after two weeks, and then visit every 4-5 months, which is easy for him given his career is in academics. As you can imagine, getting ready for such a journey can be stressful in many ways. I have never fully relocated to a different country, although I have very much enjoyed visiting different places over the last few summers. Being apart from my husband is of course a major concern, but after 15 years of marriage, I think we can handle it :). My biggest challenge will be to keep my spirits up, as if he knows that we are happy and doing well, he is less likely to become depressed himself.
We will all be attending a Qur'an school there insha'Allah, along with various other studies, for me most likely in tasawwuf, and the children in all necessary subjects from pre-K to grade 7. So that ought to keep us busy!! I do love living in Africa, and love the challenge of a new environment where one cannot just satisfy any material need with a quick run to Walmart. It is a lot of fun to get creative with simple things which are available in order to make life a little easier. The people are wonderful, the food is great, and an escape from the rush of life in America is best of all...that is best symbolized by nights on the roof, in prayer under the ocean of the sky.
So I am focusing on that right now, trying to be as best prepared as I can both to leave the home and finances in the hands of my husband, and to have what we need while we are there. Of course the main thing I am praying for is that the children will love their first year in a Muslim country, that their learning of the Qur'an will be something that touches their heart for many years to come, and that we all will come back wiser and more in touch with what our purpose is here within the dunya on every level.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Fear and Hope
Good afternoon dear blog readers!!!!! :)
I never knew until recently what it really means to vacillate between fear and hope. But when the heart comes to this place, it is unmistakeable. I sit, stand, lie, and prostrate before Allah, sometimes with the greates hope that I can be saved. I have hope that Allah will indeed help me down the path of Ihsan...toward purification of my heart, and that by His grace alone, I might be successful.
And then I turn around, and the next thing I know I feel my heart quaking with fear that I may fail, or that I have failed. That I have not proven deserving of the blessings I have received, that I have not deserved truly to have sat in the Prophet's (saws) Rawda, or to have made tawaaf, and have sat before the Kaaba all night. That I have not proven myself worthy of the greatest of the Shayuukh to be my teacher, as through all of it I still find myself at times ungrateful, and unchanged in ways which are unacceptable to me.
So I do know how one can love the worship of Allah, how one can fast, and pray, and dhikr, and do extra on top of all that is required, and find in that the greatest of hopes that anyone can find in this life. In it are the jewels of the earth, more valuable that any physical thing. And yet, with each step comes a responsibility to be a better Servant of Allah, a responsibility that only increases, and in this lies the fear. And so now I move between the two throughout my day, never knowing if what I have done is enough, always praying that Allah will take me higher and closer, and that He will do the same for all the believers. For that is the only true hope, to surrender into that ocean of Love of Allah, and pray that He will take all of us who are there through the waters with speed toward the best of destinations.
I never knew until recently what it really means to vacillate between fear and hope. But when the heart comes to this place, it is unmistakeable. I sit, stand, lie, and prostrate before Allah, sometimes with the greates hope that I can be saved. I have hope that Allah will indeed help me down the path of Ihsan...toward purification of my heart, and that by His grace alone, I might be successful.
And then I turn around, and the next thing I know I feel my heart quaking with fear that I may fail, or that I have failed. That I have not proven deserving of the blessings I have received, that I have not deserved truly to have sat in the Prophet's (saws) Rawda, or to have made tawaaf, and have sat before the Kaaba all night. That I have not proven myself worthy of the greatest of the Shayuukh to be my teacher, as through all of it I still find myself at times ungrateful, and unchanged in ways which are unacceptable to me.
So I do know how one can love the worship of Allah, how one can fast, and pray, and dhikr, and do extra on top of all that is required, and find in that the greatest of hopes that anyone can find in this life. In it are the jewels of the earth, more valuable that any physical thing. And yet, with each step comes a responsibility to be a better Servant of Allah, a responsibility that only increases, and in this lies the fear. And so now I move between the two throughout my day, never knowing if what I have done is enough, always praying that Allah will take me higher and closer, and that He will do the same for all the believers. For that is the only true hope, to surrender into that ocean of Love of Allah, and pray that He will take all of us who are there through the waters with speed toward the best of destinations.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
And so it goes....
I am continually amazed by my ability to be ungrateful...and of course that has me more than a bit worried about my future state of affairs in the hereafter. When things are rolling, and I'm spiritually traveling the fast track, all is good, but the stress level can be high. And then when things settle down, as they always do, it is almost as if I have forgotten the blessings I received only days ago. It seems my perpetual state of affairs to be discontented with my reality. I can always think of some way in which things could be better.
But patience is the key, and perserverance. Even the Prophet (saws) had time between revelations, Surah Duha being the second, and it brings great comfort to me to recite this remembering how concerned he was with the time which had passed before he received it. For myself, at least the lows are not as low as they used to be, and the heights I have been to have exceeded any other in my life. So insha'Allah my patience will increase, my ingratitude will decrease, and I will be able to travel far on the sirat before I die.
But patience is the key, and perserverance. Even the Prophet (saws) had time between revelations, Surah Duha being the second, and it brings great comfort to me to recite this remembering how concerned he was with the time which had passed before he received it. For myself, at least the lows are not as low as they used to be, and the heights I have been to have exceeded any other in my life. So insha'Allah my patience will increase, my ingratitude will decrease, and I will be able to travel far on the sirat before I die.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Prayers Heard
I have always admired people who have been very sincere in their dua's. They even ask me to pray for them, especially when I travel from place to place. Somehow, through all I have experienced in the last 1 1/2 years since I began taking formal instruction from my Shaykh, my own dua's have begun to take on a different quality. I am not certain exactly why or how, but as I reflected on this yesterday I realized that it is as if I finally truly believe that Allah hears my prayers, and will answer them as He sees fit. I have always known that Allah's answers are not always what we might expect, and that sometimes the answer may come long after we have made the prayer, but I sense His listening more than I have sensed it before. He has always been there, but I have traveled closer in a certain way, and I see and sense the evidence all around me in many ways.
This is something which gives me great solace at all times. I have hope like I never had hope before, but contrasting that is also fear that I will not manage to live as well as I should in light of all the blessings I have received. I pray Allah will make me worthy of all the honors He has given me.
Monday, March 27, 2006
We begin at the beginning
BismillahirRahmanirRahim
And the beginning is with the Name of Allah.
My husband has always wanted me to keep a blog, but I have not been inspired to make my personal life public on any level, but since I am a little bit lonely out here, and maybe slightly bored on one level or another, I will write a few things from time to time insha'Allah.
And so I have come to this point in my life, a point where I have truly traveled a bit on the path of Ihsan, having found a true Shaykh to help me. I have been Muslim for many years, but never have I believed as I believe now. Never have I known the reality of my situation as I know it now, and only desire to know it more.
I have had friends who read with skeptecism books like 'Inner Dimensions of Islamic Worship' by Al-Ghazali. They do not believe it would ever be possible for them to fast a day and think of nothing but Allah. I have always believed it is possible, but now I am CERTAIN it is possible, and MAYBE it will even be possible for me.
So that is what I share with you tonight. I share with you that I have certainty that the unseen is real, that what we see before us is truly the illusion so many have warned us that it is. The path is real, and Allah does answer the prayer of a believer who asks Him to show him that path.
And with that I leave you for the night, and pray that all who might read this are well, drawing in nearness to Allah, and that their own prayers will be answered.
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